Anxiety is good. Put down your Xanax.

I haven’t been to the dentist in four years. Now, I realize some of you just read that sentence and went slack-jawed and wide-eyed as if I told you I grind up puppies in a food mill. I’m quite aware that in some social circles, missing four years of dental appointments is akin to setting libraries on fire. But in my defense, I don’t particularly care for dental exams, which I feel is reason enough to let my teeth rot-out. That, and my mom is dead and isn’t around to nag me about tartar build-up. Silver-lining people, silver-lining.

O.K. grinding puppies in food mills, burning libraries and dead moms. Anyone still here?

Yesterday afternoon, I had an appointment with a new dentist, and by 10 a.m. my eye began twitching to the beat of Ava Maria in anticipation. Naturally, I tweeted about my anxiety and updated my Facebook status to reflect it, because this is why they made the Internet. Other than a portal for porn, the Internet exists so that the Universe’s streets can be kept clear of the World’s neurosis.

Now I wrote PORN! Come on now, who’s still with me?!

After posting my angst, the Internet suggested I take a Xanax prior to my appointment to help me relax. Although Xanax might be a viable option for a manicure, I wasn’t sure of its appropriateness given the situation. Also, I wanted my wits about me. I was seeing a new dentist and thought it good sense to hold off with any drooling and rolling of the eyes into the back of my skull until after he poked my gums until they bled.

The whole appointment started off nicely enough. I checked-in and then found my way to a seat in the waiting room where I began filling out the new-patient paperwork. The first form was straightforward, but then I got to the second form, and after reading it three times, I stood up and informed the receptionist I would not be answering any further questions until my attorney was present.

The legalese and jargon, which had been gathered-up and jammed into this document until it was the legal equivalent of a paper bag of dog shit, really stunk. And then, at the very bottom of the form I read the small print: Prepared by the law office of: The-Herculean-Fire-Breathing-Monster-and-Associates. One of Milwaukee’s biggest, baddest law firms had whipped up this tangle of doublespeak. This is the kind of form that makes me want to crawl up onto my attorney’s lap and suck my thumb.

From what I could decipher, this consent form gave the dentist permission to review his dental patients’ mental health records. I’m at a dentist’s office, right?

Time to root around the bottomless cavern of my purse for a stray Xanax.

Oh, also, I’m going to mention this now; the entire office looked as though it had its ass handed to it by the 1960's...dental chair and equipment included...and that’s wrong. I want shiny chrome, high-tech gadgets and beeping sounds at my dentist’s office. I don’t want brown wall-to-wall carpeting in my exam room. I don’t want golden-yellow exam chairs. And I certainly don’t want the lead blanket, which serves as the sole barrier against any radiation emitted from the x-ray machine [the one purchased the same year the Atari 2600 game console hit the market] to be fraying at the edges.

So, when the dental hygienist informed me she’d be taking a series of twelve head x-rays, I took pause. As apologetically as I could, and as to not insult her deep, vast knowledge of radiation’s long term, cellular effects, I explained that I’d be passing on the x-rays...but thanks for thinking of me anyway.

But, by the look on her face, you’d think I’d told her The Real Housewives of New Jersey had been cancelled, and Nabisco had stopped making the 100 Calorie Snack Pack. She looked at me like I’d just stuck my hand down my pants and pulled out the last crumbs of a low-cal Ritz Snack Mix cracker.

Then she said, “Well, then, Doctor [but really just a dentist] won’t give you an exam.”

“Seriously, he won’t do an exam? Why? For liability reasons?”

“No, he just can’t see in between your teeth.”

Smiling through my neglected, gritted teeth, I told her I wouldn’t hold the dentist’s lack of x-ray vision against him. THIS TIME. Although, his lack of design sense was a whole other matter..

“Well, if you’re not having the x-rays, you have quite a wait ahead of you, because Doctor [again, he’s a dentist] has just started with another patient.” Which was just great news, because he’d already kept me waiting forty-five minutes.

And on that note, I undid my drool bibb, stuck my anxiety back in my pocket where I keep it handy, and made my way out of the Brady Bunch’s house. Rotting teeth and ALL! patients’ mental health records. I’m at a dentist’s office, right?

Tags: TMFC, dentist, xanax

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Comment by Amanda Konieczny on November 12, 2010 at 7:37am: You need a new dentist! I think we're trained to automatically listen to people in the medical profession, but you also have to listen to yourself and only see people you are comfortable with and that allow you to take part in your health care. I'm lucky enough to still go to the same dentist I went to as a child so I never had to deal with the silliness of tons of x-rays because he knows my teeth, but there have still been a few occasions that I've disagreed with him and we've had to talk through my concerns.

Comment by BuenoBaby on November 9, 2010 at 5:31pm: Thanks Josie! We do have a university dental school nearby and I will definitely be looking into it.

Comment by josiebrown on November 9, 2010 at 5:20pm: SUPER SUPER POST!

I hear ya. Both The Hub and I are self-employed, and therefore don't have dental coverage.

So yeah, like you, see put things off...and off...

What gets me is the cost of a check-up these days, not including when some serious trauma. For me, it was cracking TWO TEETH AT ONCE that finally had me (pun intended) biting the bullet.

Let's put it this way: there goes my kids' college fund, not to mention any vacation we'd have planned for, oh, the next decade or so.

X-rays alone are RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE. My husband got hit for $135 for one Panoflex. Ouch.

We did figure a way to cut the cost in half: Have the work done at a university-based dental school.

X-rays were about 1/3 to half the price (try $45). The work itself will 1/3-1/2 less in cost. And most will put it on a payment plan, with no interest charged, fyi.

Besides the 2nd or 3rd-year dental resident who is assigned to you (usually they were top of their class undergrads in pre-med or science) you get 2-5 world-renowned instructor/professors double-checking the diagnosis and the work, as it is being done. Not to mention that all the equipment used is state-of-the-art, because manufacturers know that these students will soon be the docs purchasing them for their own offices.

The only downside we found: you have to be flexible about time: the appointments are worked around any other patients and labs that the student-dental residents must attend to; and usually your appointment is 1-2 hours, because the residents have to wait until their professors can review and/or sign off on their patient procedures. But we found this a small price to pay for the savings.

The patient base runs from middle class families and singles, and yes, there are some indigent patients. But if your college experience included any student health clinics, that shouldn't phase you. Besides, the reception area is just as nice as my last dentist's--and your bill is the big payoff.

Feel free to pass forward. In this day and age, every penny counts.

--
Josie Brown, author
Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives
[Simon & Schuster, In bookstores now!]
The Baby Planner
[Simon & Schuster/Gallery, in stores April 5, 2011]

www.twitter.com/JosieBrownCA
http://www.facebook.com/Josie.Brown.Author.Page

Comment by Melinda Poor on October 17, 2010 at 6:27am: Great Post ! I think we share a sense of humour (and fear of the dentists !)

Comment by Kelly on October 14, 2010 at 10:43pm: I got a real good laugh reading this post. Good job!! I hope you have better luck at the next DENTIST you see. Thanks for making me crack up!

Comment by Tara V. on October 6, 2010 at 12:27pm: WOW, that's crazy!

#1 I too HATE the dentist! I am scared to death of them!
#2 I also want to see up to date gadgets, that way we at least know he half way knows what he is doing.
#3 I don't think 200 Xanax would have kept me from telling lil miss x-ray tech off!

PS: I now see a dentist (ONLY WHEN NEEDED) that puts me to sleep before he starts digging around in my mouth!

Comment by Lea Curtes-Swenson on October 1, 2010 at 7:50am: Wow. Worst dentist experience ever! You were right to get out of there before all those red flags beat the tar out of you. If you're looking for a referral, my dental implant-selling hubby could probably point you to someone in your area. Someone without shag carpeting and a time-travel vortex in the waiting room.