I have always been an introvert. It has never been easy for me to put myself out there. To meet new people. To speak up. To have attention on me. (I don't even like when every sings "Happy Birthday" and that is family!)

In the years since my first marriage and having my son things have gotten worse. I have full out anxiety. I don't have anxiety attacks per se (I save those for times I don't know where my son is!) but my IBS will flare up, my stomach will hurt, and I'll have to run for the restroom (TMI I know sorry). I think it started with my first marriage due to all of the mean things he would say to me. I already was introverted and unsure of myself and he just played off of that to control me. He'd tell me how unworthy I was (as a wife, mom, and human being) over and over again. He'd tell me how no one else would want me (funny I met hubby who wanted me and is a GREAT guy just months after finally kicking him to the curb and I was the one who stuck by our son and he never came around again!).

Even though I know he was just an abuser. Even though I know I am a good person. When I get into a situation where I have to put myself out there. Situations where I have never been the most comfortable I "hear" him still.

Take for example tonight. I am supposed to go to dinner with a bunch of moms from T-man's school. Of the dozen or so I do know 2. The others I have never met. Just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. I know in my mind it will be fine. That I will even have a good time. But yet my anxiety level keeps escalating. I keep worrying what they will think.

Deep breath. It will all be ok. Right?

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Tags: anxiety


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