Trying to mend my relationship with my daughter
Just over a few months ago my daughter and I had a big falling out because she was being disrespectful. Her step dad told her if she didnt like the rules then she could leave/call her dad. He's the kind of dad that did very litle but to her he was an angel. So she left and ran out to her friends house to call him. Because i didnt chase after her she feels like I didnt care. When of course I did but I also was fed up with her being the way she was towards me and her step dad.
Well now she's living with her dad and she and I are on talking terms again. But she made a comment about not being able to trust me. And that really hurt/bothers me. Because I know she sees in her eyes that i took her step dads side and didnt stand up for her and let her leave.
She and I were very close but at the same time she would tend to cross boundaries on being respectful. And I've told her time and time again thats all I asked was respect. I've pointed out that she's been hurt by her dad and other people and she's forgiven them. But she did point out that she and I had a real relationship or closer one that any of the other people. Which I can understand why she's hurt but of course she'll never see my side.
So i dont know how to fix this. Do I just keep moving along as she and I have been and just working at things? Do I try and address it more because it's clear she still has anger about it? I dont know. She doesnt want to stay at home because she HATEs/ is mad still and her stepdad. It's like she wants to pretend he doesnt exist.
I'm so torn. I love my kid more than anything in this world. And it does upset me that she feels the way she does but at the same time I felt angry with feeling no respect or appreciation.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by slhenrici on -
I don't know much about divorce and children, but I know a lot about being a teen. I had a lot of issues with my parents growing up and they still continue today - at forty. UGH!!
Not really knowing your situation, I am only guessing, but I think I might be able to shed some light from your daughter's perspective. She might not really understand how she is feeling, or not be able to communicate it. She took the easy way out and ran. I was a runner all my life and know why I ran away and what it takes for me to come back. I just didn't have a place to run - like a dad waiting in the wings. It complicates things when an ex husband provides a place to hide from her issues. He should be there for her, listen, but not let her run away from you to his house. If she truly wants to live there, that is one thing, but if she is just running away that is another thing entirely.
Your daughter is trying to tell you that she feel abandoned. When you didn't go after her, which is exactly what she needed, she thought you didn't care. She doesn't really think about all that you have done for her at that moment, she is running scared. All the pain from the divorce and having a new dad comes rushing back in, she needs to feel reassured that her mother still wants her. (I know that sounds crazy.) Of course, deep down she knows you love her. I am not saying that at all, but she needs to know that she had your support too.
My suggestion is to take her to lunch one day, away from the house. Sit down in a safe secure place and discuss the situation that caused her to run away. Right now the reason for her running is not what is hurting her, it is the feeling of not being understood or heard. Let her vent. Try not to get angry or hurt, listen to her completely. Find out what she needed to say. Find some common ground on the issue that cause the fight.
She is a teenager, they feel like adults, they want to be treated as such. Battles over respect cause a lot of feelings to get hurt and communication to be shut down.
Hug her tell her you love her no matter what. Tell her how you feel. Explain the situation from your place, try not to place blame. Address her concerns and ask her what she needs to feel safe. Discuss this.
You might not think you are asking for her respect and that you might be hurting her in the long run - I can GUARANTEE you are not! You are showing her that you love her, you will never leave her, and most of all you are helping her discuss her feelings in a productive manner. Shutting your out is much more dangerous and in my case still happens forty years later.
See Signe Whitson's article on how to open up the lines of communication with your teen - she has some awesome advice. (Wish my mom had read it!) http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/2011...
Hugs to you and your family! I applaud you for opening up and asking for help, it shows how much you love her. Don't give up!
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Permalink Reply by Keni-Lyn Wendt on -
I don't know your whole situation, but I'm gonna give you mine and see if anything in it helps.
My parents divoriced when my mother was pregnant with me. I was an only child. At 9 yrs old my mother remarried. When that happened I spent most of my childhood trying to break them up. Her attention was no longer all mine, I was jealous. He never had kids and didn't have a clue on how to deal with them. He was a spoiled brat as a child too. We spent more time competing for her attention than we did getting to know each other. I felt like she loved me less because of him. This went on for 30 years. As a child I went to live with my grandparents for a year. When I went back to my moms I thought that would make her see....it didn't so I spent most of time away from the house and grew further apart from her. Then 3 years ago I went to their house with my 3 kids to visit. It was the week of my birthday and my mom wanted to take me to an "adult" dinner and leave my kids at her house for a couple hours, I looked for a place to go online and when we decided my stepfather got huffy and said to just make the reservations for 2 as he knew he wasn't wanted or welcome. That was my last straw. I told my mother to go somewhere for a couple hours and take my kids with her. She was very apprehensive but I convinced her. After we talked we realized my mom was more the problem than each other. She tried to play middle man and keep us from actually having a relationship without even knowing it. If I had any questions as a kid (spend the night at a friends house, school dance, whatever) I was told to ask her, if I wanted to ask him something she wanted to do it for me and vice versa. Turns out her translation made things just enough out of whack that it caused friction between us. We agreed at that time to not go through her anymore. When she tries to play middle man now we both tell her no. We get along alot better now and I wish we would have discovered this alot earlier.
Ask yourself these questions: Is he involved directly or indirectly? Have we included her in our plans? Have we asked her opinion? How long was it she and I were the only ones before him? Have I asked her what specifically she is struggling with in my house? What is it she likes and doesn't like about the rules, my new husband, me, herself? When you can answer all these you'll know exactly what all of you need and need to do.
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Permalink Reply by Healthy Mom on -
I have experience on both ends of this. Each day send her message about something you saw or did that made you think about her. Tell her each day or text her that you love her. Let the past be in the past and let her come back to you because she has felt your love.
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl McCaffrey on
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I am going through the same situation with my 16yr old daughter. My husband and I got a divorce after 20yr of marriage. One year later after the divorce she decided to go live with her father, when I have been the one who has always been there for her. After saying many times she did not like me and she would rather live with her Dad, I had to let her go, at her request. Her father is always playing the great Dad and doing everything she wants. I still have her come over every other weekend and on the holidays and birthdays so I don't lose touch with her. I still want to have some kind of relationship with her and hopefully she will see as she gets older we had a good relationship and will see the real person her father is.
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Permalink Reply by m r on
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Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies.I appreciate them all so much as you have all opened up your personal lives and stories with me. I take each and every word you say into account and see how it may apply to my situation. To the two ladies that gave me their personal experiences, I can relate to some of that. I have had time to reflect as a mom to see where I may have made mistakes and where I should have been a little more firm on things. i have given her the opportunity to voice her hurt or anger and we have worked from that so that i can see or understand what she sees as a child but also what my duty is as a parent. we gave her lots of opportunity and always tried to involve her in any and everything. We always told her the door is open to voice her opinion in a respectful manner if she didnt agree with a decision or punishment but she never really did that.
She has had some rough days at ther dads and he is quickly seeing how she did try and play us against each other and seeing that she too makes mistakes. It was like he wanted to blame me for anything that went wrong. that quickly changed when he was now the one responsible for her. It's been hard to stand my ground and not let her just move back home when things get rough with her dad. I can tell when she wants to try and come back around just because she's trying to avoid being around him and his wife when things arent good.
I dont ever want her to feel like i dont love her or dont want her but I want her to see how good and easy life was with us here. Very simple and she had everything to herself. Now she has to share and deal with brothers and sisters who i knwo she loves but at the same time would probably love to have a quiet room to herself. So cheryl i think things will turn around. i cant say they fully have for me yet but I can see where they will down the road. I just pray and hope for it.
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Permalink Reply by slhenrici on
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Great advice! I think I am going to use this for my own family. I think we should all do this on a regular basis. Doesn't everyone like to have someone think about them and remind them how much they love them :)
Healthy Mom said:I have experience on both ends of this. Each day send her message about something you saw or did that made you think about her. Tell her each day or text her that you love her. Let the past be in the past and let her come back to you because she has felt your love.
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Permalink Reply by slhenrici on
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m r said:Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies.I appreciate them all so much as you have all opened up your personal lives and stories with me. I take each and every word you say into account and see how it may apply to my situation. To the two ladies that gave me their personal experiences, I can relate to some of that. I have had time to reflect as a mom to see where I may have made mistakes and where I should have been a little more firm on things. i have given her the opportunity to voice her hurt or anger and we have worked from that so that i can see or understand what she sees as a child but also what my duty is as a parent. we gave her lots of opportunity and always tried to involve her in any and everything. We always told her the door is open to voice her opinion in a respectful manner if she didnt agree with a decision or punishment but she never really did that.
She has had some rough days at ther dads and he is quickly seeing how she did try and play us against each other and seeing that she too makes mistakes. It was like he wanted to blame me for anything that went wrong. that quickly changed when he was now the one responsible for her. It's been hard to stand my ground and not let her just move back home when things get rough with her dad. I can tell when she wants to try and come back around just because she's trying to avoid being around him and his wife when things arent good.
I dont ever want her to feel like i dont love her or dont want her but I want her to see how good and easy life was with us here. Very simple and she had everything to herself. Now she has to share and deal with brothers and sisters who i knwo she loves but at the same time would probably love to have a quiet room to herself. So cheryl i think things will turn around. i cant say they fully have for me yet but I can see where they will down the road. I just pray and hope for it.
You are a smart mom! Good Job! I agree with the not bouncing back and forth. One thing to remember that I am sure you already know - "this too shall pass!" My mom used to say that a lot :)
She is testing her boundaries, can't blame her for that, huh?! We do the same. If we could get away with choosing a simpler way of life where everyone did exactly what we wanted, we would probably choose it too. O to be young again!!!!
Happy Easter!
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Permalink Reply by slhenrici on
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slhenrici said:
m r said:Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies.I appreciate them all so much as you have all opened up your personal lives and stories with me. I take each and every word you say into account and see how it may apply to my situation. To the two ladies that gave me their personal experiences, I can relate to some of that. I have had time to reflect as a mom to see where I may have made mistakes and where I should have been a little more firm on things. i have given her the opportunity to voice her hurt or anger and we have worked from that so that i can see or understand what she sees as a child but also what my duty is as a parent. we gave her lots of opportunity and always tried to involve her in any and everything. We always told her the door is open to voice her opinion in a respectful manner if she didnt agree with a decision or punishment but she never really did that.
She has had some rough days at ther dads and he is quickly seeing how she did try and play us against each other and seeing that she too makes mistakes. It was like he wanted to blame me for anything that went wrong. that quickly changed when he was now the one responsible for her. It's been hard to stand my ground and not let her just move back home when things get rough with her dad. I can tell when she wants to try and come back around just because she's trying to avoid being around him and his wife when things arent good.
I dont ever want her to feel like i dont love her or dont want her but I want her to see how good and easy life was with us here. Very simple and she had everything to herself. Now she has to share and deal with brothers and sisters who i knwo she loves but at the same time would probably love to have a quiet room to herself. So cheryl i think things will turn around. i cant say they fully have for me yet but I can see where they will down the road. I just pray and hope for it.
You are a smart mom! Good Job! I agree with the not bouncing back and forth. One thing to remember that I am sure you already know - "this too shall pass!" My mom used to say that a lot :)
She is testing her boundaries, can't blame her for that, huh?! We do the same. If we could get away with choosing a simpler way of life where everyone did exactly what we wanted, we would probably choose it too. O to be young again!!!!
Happy Easter!
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Permalink Reply by m r on
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I agree. I actually did this regularly even when she lived w/ me. I tell my child I love her all the time,even if it's just when we are hanging up the phone. I will at times send her a random message of something that made me laugh or think about her. Granted she doesnt always have a phone to text to or an easy way to get a hold of her but that is something I can say I've always done. I always tell people, im sure I drive her nuts telling her I love her all the time but I'd rather say it than not.
slhenrici said:Great advice! I think I am going to use this for my own family. I think we should all do this on a regular basis. Doesn't everyone like to have someone think about them and remind them how much they love them :)
Healthy Mom said:I have experience on both ends of this. Each day send her message about something you saw or did that made you think about her. Tell her each day or text her that you love her. Let the past be in the past and let her come back to you because she has felt your love.
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Permalink Reply by m r on
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Thank you Slhenrici, it's been hard and I do agree that "this too shall pass". I know we are put with challenges in our life that help us look at things in a different manner and show us where we may need to change things.
Her dad was never an involved parent so it's some relief to finally hear "youwere right " from him and for him to finally see where he needs to work on his parenting as well.
She's a wonderful girl, and im grateful that the problems we are having arent as severe as they could be and we are fixing them now before she gets older. I always tell her, she'll understand when she has children.
slhenrici said:
slhenrici said:
m r said:Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies.I appreciate them all so much as you have all opened up your personal lives and stories with me. I take each and every word you say into account and see how it may apply to my situation. To the two ladies that gave me their personal experiences, I can relate to some of that. I have had time to reflect as a mom to see where I may have made mistakes and where I should have been a little more firm on things. i have given her the opportunity to voice her hurt or anger and we have worked from that so that i can see or understand what she sees as a child but also what my duty is as a parent. we gave her lots of opportunity and always tried to involve her in any and everything. We always told her the door is open to voice her opinion in a respectful manner if she didnt agree with a decision or punishment but she never really did that.
She has had some rough days at ther dads and he is quickly seeing how she did try and play us against each other and seeing that she too makes mistakes. It was like he wanted to blame me for anything that went wrong. that quickly changed when he was now the one responsible for her. It's been hard to stand my ground and not let her just move back home when things get rough with her dad. I can tell when she wants to try and come back around just because she's trying to avoid being around him and his wife when things arent good.
I dont ever want her to feel like i dont love her or dont want her but I want her to see how good and easy life was with us here. Very simple and she had everything to herself. Now she has to share and deal with brothers and sisters who i knwo she loves but at the same time would probably love to have a quiet room to herself. So cheryl i think things will turn around. i cant say they fully have for me yet but I can see where they will down the road. I just pray and hope for it.
You are a smart mom! Good Job! I agree with the not bouncing back and forth. One thing to remember that I am sure you already know - "this too shall pass!" My mom used to say that a lot :)
She is testing her boundaries, can't blame her for that, huh?! We do the same. If we could get away with choosing a simpler way of life where everyone did exactly what we wanted, we would probably choose it too. O to be young again!!!!
Happy Easter!
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Permalink Reply by Cynthia Wilder on -
I know this is very hard on you and it was hard on me as well when it happened in my household. I lived with a man for 13 years. The older 2 girls rebelled and didn't want to follow rules of the home, let alone listen to anything that " he" had to say. They decided to move out at age 16 to go to their fathers and live,. their belongings went with them.I was now the one paying child support to my ex- husband. Over time, they came around and we are all on good talking terms now. They had it harder at their real Dad's as he lived in the country and didn't give them as much as he couldn't afford it. So.. my girls graduated but he didn't purchase them any yearbooks, no class rings, no frills. They have learned to appreciate things more now and we talk and are close again. Teens are hard to deal with, but you have rules in your home and they need to abide by them. You are on speaking terms and she will come around eventually, give her a little more time to grow up a bit and you will see a difference.
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Permalink Reply by m r on
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Thank you Cynthia. That does sound a lot like my situation. She is realizing that it's not all fun and games at her dads. She got into trouble recently and I know she wanted to leave from there but I didnt let her.
I think my only or main concern is worrying that she thinks I dont want her. I dont spend a lot of time w/ her to be honest. But it's not because I dont want to. It''s because she's either grounded and I dont feel that she should be rewarded by going to the movies if I go or doing fun things. I dont want her to feel like my house / family is just a place to run off to when she doesnt want to deal w/ being bored or grounded at her dads. because she would do that when she lived w/ me and go to her dads for the weekend. He wouldn't enforce her punishment.
I do talk to her almost daily and I think she knows or sees that I've always been a caring and affectionate mother that always wants to fix her problems but I'm just at the point where she has to learn to deal with certain issues on her own. I will guide her but not fix them. And i think she sees that as me not loving or caring about her. That bothers me the most. But I'm just in a tough love stage and I am trying to make her dad accountable for taking care of her. He's never been hands on with her and they both always depended on me to do any and everything.
I dont know if you or anyone who's posted as any advice on that part. I do tell her I love her all the time and that's never changed even when I was extremely mad/hurt by her.
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