Should mothers breastfeed a baby or toddler who is not hungry -- to quiet his tears?

A controversial recent post on my website included a debate I had with a woman who blogs about Attachment Parenting. She believes that babies should be breastfed whenever they cry, into toddlerhood and beyond. (I won't repeat the whole argument, but here it is if you are interested.)

I think babies should definitely be nursed (if possible) or fed from a bottle when they are hungry! But, I also think that children of all ages should be encouraged to express their feelings, not taught to stuff them with the comfort of a nipple. I would love to hear what TwitterMoms think!

Tags: attachment, babies, breastfeeding, parenting, tmfc, toddlers

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Permalink Reply by Janet Lansbury on March 8, 2010 at 9:47pm

Mary, I'm sure you meant no ill will!
One thing that I have learned from my own experiences raising 3 children and teaching parenting classes for 15 years is that many of us are extremely sensitive about the way we parent. And that's understandable, since being a mom (especially in the early years), is certainly one of the hardest jobs there is!

Anyone who would take part in a discussion like this one has, no doubt, thought long and hard about their parenting choices. My oldest is 17, and I am (happily) still learning.

Once again, I appreciate all who have joined this discussion.

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Permalink Reply by Erin Boudreau on March 9, 2010 at 1:20pm

I only have one child, but after nursing her to 18 months, she's now almost 3 and doesn't seem to have any oral fixations. But maybe she's an exception, I'm not sure! She also doesn't seem to comfort with food at all and never has. In fact, once she stopped nursing, the biggest comfort for her was twirling my hair with her fingers! She would play with my hair each time she nursed, and now that she's done, she still associates comfort with my long locks! I guess my whole point is that I really feel mothers should follow their instincts. Mine told me that nursing for comfort as an infant was fine.

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Permalink Reply by Lena on March 9, 2010 at 1:38pm

I think if the baby cries, he or she needs to be comforted. It doesn't matter if it breast, or pacifier, or blankie, or rocking, as long as the child knows somebody is there to take care of him and respond to his needs. All of us were raised differently and all of us turned out to be fine :)

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Permalink Reply by Janet Lansbury on March 9, 2010 at 1:55pm

Erin, sweet story about the hair twirling!

You reminded me of a conversation I had on this subject with a friend who once co-directed a child care center, and occassionally still works as a nanny. She expressed her dismay about the children who were placed in her care after having been nursed every time they cried - for comfort. These children had immature coping skills and would cry endlessly any time they were frustrated, or disappointed. The caregivers were left to deal with the child's feelings, which they calmly and supportively allowed to be expressed. Some mothers would ask the caregivers to keep a item of the mother's clothing on hand for the child to hold to make them feel better, but my friend said that seldom worked to calm them. My friend felt sorry for these children, because they were dependent on their mothers for comfort and didn't feel secure unless the mother was present.

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Permalink Reply by adiaha on March 10, 2010 at 11:13am

Of course mothers can breastfeed for comfort. Your body responds to your child cries. As children grow older you begin to make them aware of the different ways that you can soothe oneself.

I nursed my first child until 2.5 and my second is 18 months and still nursing strong. I know that sometimes she just wants comfort and is not hungry but I see nothing wrong with that. It isn't as if nursing a baby too much can make them fat....

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Permalink Reply by Nancy Tarr on March 10, 2010 at 12:01pm

If my child was hurt and crying (fell off the merry go round), then we would BF. But I wouldn't BF just because they were crying. Better to figure out why they are crying instead.

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Permalink Reply by Erin Boudreau on March 11, 2010 at 6:36am

I guess maybe that's the difference. I nursed my daughter for comfort often, but not every time she cried. I usually did spend time holding her & trying to figure out what was wrong, if she was hungry, etc. before nursing for comfort, or doing something else to comfort her. I am a part time working mom, and when I leave her to go to work, she doesn't exhibit such separation anxiety issues. However, I was in day care as a child, 100% bottle fed, and I did have separation anxiety issues, big time, that lasted until grade school. Not sure why, but that's just how I was. I still don't see the difference between nursing for comfort and giving a pacifier for comfort. I'm not sure anyone's really answered that here.

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Permalink Reply by Janet Lansbury on March 11, 2010 at 8:22am

I'm sorry for the separation anxiety issues that are still so memorable for you! Thanks for sharing about that.

I don't believe in using pacifiers either. Please don't (anyone!) think I'm being judgemental! I did try it with my first child for sleeping. I was later thankful that she didn't 'take' to it.

I guess what I believe in most is allowing children of all ages to cry in our arms, or have a tantrum if they need to express feelings, without being told "You're okay", or being shushed, nursed, scolded, punished, or otherwise pacified. I know how hard it is to hear crying! I breastfed 3 children into their second year and, yes, I did it for comfort sometimes in a pinch. But mostly, I tried to allow my children to feel, and express their hard feelings. I wanted them to know that they were safe to do that with me (even though inside I was dying!) I still can't bear it when my children are upset, but when they're done crying they feel so much better.