Recently my daughter returned home from "running away" to her dads. That ended up being a big mess and he is m.i.a again.
I know teen years can be tough, kids are turning into young adults and trying to feel the sense of adulthood and freedom while still living under their parents roof and on their dime.
I just had , what i'd say an arguement/discussion w/ my 16 year old. She tells me she doesnt want to live with me, but of course has no where to go. Tells me that she hasnt wanted to live w/ me or her dad(separate household) and it's basically since she's under 18 has no choice but to be with one of us.
She said she doesnt like being around me or my boyfriend/her stepdad. She expressed annoyance that she feels like he makes all the decisions around here....when over all they are discussed between the two of us and if anything he's usually the one that is more fair about it all.
I dont know if she's just angry about other things and redirecting that to me/us. or if she doesnt like him. She acts like she does for the most part. Theyarent completely close but he's been the only father figure in her life aside from the small fathering her real dad does.
It is hurtful to hear and at the same time make me angry to her because it makes me feel like she is so ungrateful for the life she has, especially when she sees so many around her that have it rough. I tell her we arent perfect parents and regardless if she sees her stepdad in a fatherly way, to him she is his daughter.
She hasnt been the easiest over the last couple years. I felt like when she came back from her dads in June she would have had some real appreciation for things.Over there, the stepmom was always bad mouthing her, her dad was always working and couldnt care less where she went half the time much less keep up w/ her and her schooling.
She does have a boyfriend now that I feel has an impact on some of her ways. But of course constantly complaining about him will just push her towards him more. I try and just give her insight on things but her response is never that great. I know some of it I have to let her figure out and control only what I can when it comes to what happens in our household.
I could go on and on. But i guess i need some perspective on things. I dont know how much of it is just an angry teen angry w/ rules. And how much of it is something else. I guess i expect too much from her in understanding why we choose the things we choose when it comes to rules and so forth.
I just dont wanna go down that road again with us all having a big blow up.
Teenage years go by, and you will hopefully have a wonderful relationship with your daughter in the future. I came from a divorced household and as a teenager didn't know I should appreciate what my Mom was doing for us and often had similar conversations with her. All I can say is give give give LOVE, she needs it. Now as an adult, with my own kids, I have a completely new perspective and appreciate what my Mom did for us, I didn't have the perspective as a teenager, I was still a child.
Thank you for your reply. I must say I grew up very different from my own daughter. I had both of my parents, father passed when I was 16 and I had my daughter at 16. So at her age my life was totally different.
I know i bumped heads with my mom alot! I do know that. But i think with my daughter she feels like i'm siding w/ her step dad instead of seeing that we make certain decisions together when it comes to allowingher to do certain things. I do show her love...probably more than she wants :) But i am also trying to give her the space to grow as a young adult but also remember she's still a child.
I guess it's so hard for me to see how much credit she gives her dad for the little to nothing he's done. Anytime I hear anything about him it's always only about the "fun" stuff. Which is all he's been around for. Never for the real parenting. That got to be too much for him when she lived w/ him.
We've had a bumpy few years and I just want her to appreciate all that she has and see realize the people that do for her. I know in years to come it will happen.
It does get better, at least in general lol. Since she's 16 now, how about the next time you have a discussion about her with the Step-dad, you let her join in? It doesn't mean she gets the final say (or any say for that matter) but it lets her see the process and that it isn't just arbitrary.
I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through a rough time. I am mom to three teens, 14, 17 and 19. My oldest is my son and he doesn't live with us anymore but my younger two are girls. I've found that my parenting always needs to be adjusted as my kids get older. I always keep the communication open and I give respect as well as expect it back. Maybe you and your daughter can go away for a weekend, just the two fo you. Let it be about getting to know each other again - have fun and kick back - maybe let her plan one of the days. :-)
Thank you both for your responses. We do try and include her in decision making..or atleast have a voice on things. I dont think she really realizes that.
But I have backed off some and given her her space. Realize that she's in that teen stage of puppy love and her boyfriend. Although I do try and keep her balanced so that she doesnt get TOO wrapped up or dependent on the relationship.
I realize I will get some push back from her when she feels we are being unfair in her eyes. But for the most part we allow her to do more things than last year as long as she's being respectful and is doing well w/ school.
I have been trying to make an extra effort to really set time aside to have time for me and her. I know she still needs taht even though she wont admit it :) Even if it's watching a girl movie or going for a little shopping.