I know the old sterotype of the Mother in law.  I really hoped it would never be me.  I don't know who I can talk to that would be unbiased and could maybe look at things from a different angle.  I've talked to my hubby but he doesn't want to deal with it, I talk to my dad and I know he would always take my side so it's really not a good perspective. My sister has had her own issues with MY MIL so she really helps fan the flames if I talk to her. 

 

Anyway, here's my situation.  Understand I would not be posting this for others to read if I really didn't need an unbiased opinion. 

 

For whatever reason my MIL and I don't get along.  I try to treat her with respect and she'll be friendly with me when we're face to face.  When we're not face to face she says things to my husband and her mother (my husband's grandmother). 

 

Well today it really hurt me.  My husband said that his mom came to visit today.  I had no idea she was coming to visit.  Lately she only comes to visit when I'm not home.  My husband works 2nd shirt . I work part-time every day until noon. Then I'm home for the rest of the day.  We don't get much time together because my husband works 2nd shift and I work in the mornings, and I take on most of the errands, childcare, running kids to practice etc.  My husband has off 2 days a week.  One of those days he usually leaves and goes to his dad's house to drink. I try not to complain too much because I know he needs some time to unwind.  Even though I never get time away for myself.  The kids practice schedules and school events are starting to get overwhelming for me.  I asked him to please help me by taking the kids to practice/event at least one of his days off.  He agreed and did 1 week.

 

Well after telling me that my MIL visited today he started saying hurtful things to me.  I was telling him about how I'm going to the kids Science fair and how running around every day without any time for me is really getting to me.  He said "Well that's part of having kids, if you didn't want to take on the responsibility of helping with school projects and running to practices you shouldn't have had kids"  I held back tears and told him that I'm glad I am able to do that for the kids and glad I can be there as much as I am but sometimes I just need a break and that I wish he could take over once in a while. (Reminder I do this daily and due to his work schedule most of the time he's not home to so I know it's my responsibility the majority of the time). He told me I should be happy to do that and was shaking his head at me.  I told him that I don't get the breaks like he does to get away and have time for me.  He told me that was a man's thing and I should just be happy that I have some of the luxuries I have. 

 

He's never talked to me like that before...ever.  We've been together for nearly 6 years total. I really think his mother was feeding stuff into his head. He says things he wouldn't normally say to me when she visits.  When I ask him about it he either denies it or defends her.  She'll make back handed comments to me sometimes when I'm around.  When I ask my husband what she meant by something, he'll tell me it was a stab at me or something along those lines. 

 

So what can I do about it?  I don't have solid evidence that she is actually trying to cause trouble in our marriage, but I'm almost sure that's why he does those things and why she doesn't visit when I'm here.  She doesn't come around for a month or two and everything is fine.  She comes to visit and I just can't seem to do anything right.  I'm I being paranoid?  I don't want to start a big family feud but I don't think I can let things go the way they are. 

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Maybe his mom is feeding him some antiquated advice.  Typically, it is up to the mom to be the super hero - run the kids all over, keep the house spanking clean.... and it is really tough to do it all and keep your sanity.   Can you schedule a girls night out on one of the nights he has off?   It took two parents to make those kids and it takes two parents to raise them. 

 

As for the MIL, it is up to him to make a stand for you.  You leave your family and cleave unto your spouse.  If there's a choice, he is supposed to side with you.  I'm sorry you weren't blessed with an awesome MIL.  Do you feel like you could just go up to her face and ask her what her problem with you is?  He's married to you, not his mom.  Your happiness should come first.

 

Can you try making an Excel spreadsheet of all of this running around?  Maybe if he saw it in color, displayed up on the fridge, he might take a hint.  Sometimes guys think that if they go to their job and bring home the bacon that they don't need to do anything else.  Meanwhile, we women are the ones cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, mowing the lawn, running to the bank, grabbing bread and milk at the grocery store and up with a sick kid all night and still manage to get to work on time the next day.  Divide up the chores and see if that works.  Also if he won't divide, then have him help. The dishes get done twice as fast when someone's helping.

Hi Caren.  I think your idea of doing a spreadsheet is an awesome idea.  i never thought of that.  That maybe helpful.  A visual cue instead of a verbal cue (IE nagging in guy terms) might be a better approach.  Thanks so much for your feedback.  I think I might work on that when the baby naps.

Angie,

I just read what Caren wrote and I totally agree.  I didn't want to say the same things as others posting so I will say "ditto".  Your husband is to stand up for you and respect your relationship.  I would have an honest talk with him and how you feel.  Not just when you are sitting around the house watching TV or eating dinner.  Take the kids somewhere else and have a face to face honest talk with him.  The spreadsheet is a good idea, or just a list of everything you do.  I had a friend tell me she and her husband made lists of all they do...down to buying wrapping paper and wrapping gifts.  When he saw it he told her he had no idea of "everything" she did and wanted to help out more.  While these things should be a joy to mothers, and most of the time they are, sometimes you need a break so that they remain a joy.  Put at the top of the list his provision for the family so he see's you respect that and have a very high regard for it.  

Wow!  That is a tough situation and I think Caren gave some great advice.  My husband is a Ph.D. student and so he is gone a lot and though I don't get any "me" time or girl time he does try to help out when he is home on the weekends.  I'm sorry about this situation, but I really don't think you're being paranoid and I really do think that you marriage is treading on dangerous ground if your husband doesn't stand up to his mother about this.  Out of respect and love for you, his wife, he should talk to his mother.  And perhaps you need to make a stand for yourself--to both your husband and you MIL.  Keep it respectful and refrain from blaming, say things like "when you do____, I feel____"  You're not blaming anything on them, you are simply letting them know how their words and actions are affecting you.

 

Again, you are in a tough situation.  Kudos to you for having the courage to reach out...and for being so nice about everything; a lot of people would have been ranting and raving about their husbands and MILs in a post like this.  I hope you get some feedback that works for you.

Oh my.  She sounds vaguely familiar.  No, you're not being paranoid.(she'd love you to believe that though).    Well, you probably don't want to hear this..but, you asked.  You're problem is not your MIL  Now, don't get me wrong she's a huge #%$#$%#@!! The big problem here is your husband!  If it is ok that his "mommy" treats his LOVED wife that way..well, then like I said...he's the problem.  Until he learns to put his big boy pants on and man up...I'm not sure what to tell you.  I HIGHLY suggest marriage counseling, (a Christian one....you need someone who highly values marriage  and knowing the mans place is a must) Did that come out right?  If you don't like one..go to another!  The only thing I know that works is,  God first, spouse second, then kids)  Anyway, not sure I'm putting this into words right.  Good luck and a good marriage is worth the effort you put into it.  :-) ohhh wait....I just read what Caren wrote...forget mine...I like what she said!!! ;-)  good luck with everything!
Absolutely Caren!!  You said it better than I did!!  Well said! :-)

Caren Haug said:

Maybe his mom is feeding him some antiquated advice.  Typically, it is up to the mom to be the super hero - run the kids all over, keep the house spanking clean.... and it is really tough to do it all and keep your sanity.   Can you schedule a girls night out on one of the nights he has off?   It took two parents to make those kids and it takes two parents to raise them. 

 

As for the MIL, it is up to him to make a stand for you.  You leave your family and cleave unto your spouse.  If there's a choice, he is supposed to side with you.  I'm sorry you weren't blessed with an awesome MIL.  Do you feel like you could just go up to her face and ask her what her problem with you is?  He's married to you, not his mom.  Your happiness should come first.

 

Can you try making an Excel spreadsheet of all of this running around?  Maybe if he saw it in color, displayed up on the fridge, he might take a hint.  Sometimes guys think that if they go to their job and bring home the bacon that they don't need to do anything else.  Meanwhile, we women are the ones cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, mowing the lawn, running to the bank, grabbing bread and milk at the grocery store and up with a sick kid all night and still manage to get to work on time the next day.  Divide up the chores and see if that works.  Also if he won't divide, then have him help. The dishes get done twice as fast when someone's helping.

Nicki,

I've been thinking about marriage counseling.  I'd be willing to give it a try.  The problem is my husband is an atheist.  There's no way I'd get him to a christian marriage counselor.  I was thinking I'd have to try a,  for lack of a better way to put it, a non-denominational or "therapist" type of counselor.

 

I agree though.  I am honestly asking for unbiased opinions.  Sometimes a 3rd party looking at the situation from a different angle can be beneficial.  This goes for other situations too.  So I very much appreciate your input 

I don't think you have a MIL problem as much as you have a marital problem. It's possible that her influence is causing problems in your marriage, but you have to accept the fact that your husband is a grown man. When the two of you are alone, she's not holding a gun to his head and making him say these things, you know. It's his choice to either treat you with respect or not, and apparently, he's choosing not to.

 

My advice to you is this: first, schedule some time for yourself each week, whether that's hiring a sitter or working out a co-op with another mom (you keep her kids after school until dinner time on Tuesday and she keeps yours for the same time period on Thursday or whatever). That will help you recharge and clear your head. Then find yourself a good marriage counselor and tell your husband when the appointment is. If he won't go, go by yourself.

Thanks Sparki777 that's good advice also. 

 

I also wanted to update everyone.  I came home from work today and hubby was getting ready to leave for work.  He was hugging me and stuff and I just broke down crying.  He asked me what was wrong and if I was mad at him.  I told him yes.  I told him that what he said to me yesterday really hurt me and he insisted his mom never even mentioned me when she was visiting. 

 

He told me he was sorry and thought I would know that he was only joking.  I told him that he said it very seriously to me and that it really hurt me very bad because I do everything for the kids.  I put everything I have into them to make sure they're taken care of and have what they need.  He told me he knows I'm a good mother.  He also told me that sometimes he tries to "joke" around with me like he does with the guys at work.  (He works in a prison). 

 

I told him that I didn't think it was funny at all.  I also told him my concern about the way he acts towards me after his mother visits. 

 

I feel somewhat better after talking to him. I also have a calendar posted on the fridge with all the kids practices, science fair, appointments, field trips, etc this month visible.  I have each kid's activity highlighted.  I plan on talking to him about it tonight when he gets home from work. 

 

 

I really appreciate all the input you all have provided. 

 

 

 

 

I dont think you are being paranoid at all.  Those of us who have MIL issues can totally relate.  I think you just have to sit down your husband and say look I really dont want this to be an issue between us or to in any way come between you and your family , but this is how I feel and if it continues we are going to have problems.  You hurt my feelings, and I feel likek your mom purposely leaves me out just to cause problems.  Just spell it out for him.  Men can be honestly clueless sometimes when it comes to women & mom , wife relationships. 

 

Good Luck. 

Oh, darling, I feel your pain.  I had a horrible situation with my mother-in-law (Jerry Springer drama type stuff) and it was awful.  I just kept praying my husband would see the truth and he finally did.  He packed our bags and moved us far from his mother.

 

If I were you, I would sit down and try to talk to your husband about what is going on.  I would not bring up that you think his mother is manipulating him (which it sounds like she is) but just express how overwhelmed you are.  Talk to him about how it is important for the two of you to have a united front for the children (and his mother--just don't add that) and come to agreement on some terms.  Talk to him about how important it is that you both live up to the agreements in order to keep your marriage strong. 

 

I think you have my email, Angie (if not, let me know or tweet me).  Feel free to email me and vent or chat.

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