Is it possible to actually conquer a temper tantrum??
I don’t think there are really any winners when it comes to temper tantrums. But if there were, I’m pretty sure I would have come up on top for this one. Certainly not because it didn’t exist, I have two toddlers temper tantrums are clearly part of the territory. Definitely not because it wasn’t excruciating, so much so that I wanted to have an out of body experience. Absolutely not because it didn’t become a spectical, crowds were drawing in to sympathize, try and help or obviously judge. For sure not because it was short, twenty-five minutes of screaming is enough to do anyone in!
I think I “won” this battle because I handled it in almost a textbook clinical sorta way. The first thing I did was that I removed all emotions. In some ways this is pretty easy for me. Every time Drew has had anything of this sort, I shut off wanting any sort of negotiations or desire to comfort him. This has been a bone of contention between Adam and me. He tries very hard to talk Drew off of the proverbial edge and comfort him through the pain. I, on the other hand, shut off and become icey and mad at him. This time I maintained a stern-ness that wasn’t going to mess around.
“When you whine or carry on, its an automatic no.” That mantra was ingrained in my head at a very early age from my mom. The irony is that I hated those words growing up and now they are the ones I live by. Drew’s issue was a desire to push the elevator button, which then resulted in us walking down the stairs. No amount of tears, screams or words could convince me that he should go into that elevator after behaving the way he did.
The most amazing thing about the whole fiasco was that it didn’t even register on my radar as a fiasco. Obviously I was displeased that it happened but I did not allow it to take up an ounce of frustration in my mind. Mostly because I felt that the temper tantrum was an inevitable part of parenting, I successfully handled it and felt more confident as a result.
Previously I think I would have been consumed with the devastation of airing our dirty laundry in front of others. Or I would have felt so out of control that I would have gotten flustered. And lastly I would have walked away from the circumstance feeling like such a failure that I would have taken that feeling with me all day. Rather, I got over the fact that others saw me because I felt like I managed it so well. I felt more in control because I stood my ground and did not bend until he caved. And I walked away with my head held high because I conquered it.
There aren’t many days you can honestly say in your gut that you know you have done right by your children. Today I feel pretty good about the fact that I did. I think Drew learned an important lesson, I think Gabby bear witness of that and I think I feel more confident with myself and my mothering skills. Go me!
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Adrienne Calhoun Cash on -
If you ever figure out how to conquer a temper tantrum please share! It doesn't seem to matter to mad or unbending I am when she throws a fit, that child will just scream until she has screamed herself out!
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Permalink Reply by Mommy's Two Cents on -
I can't honestly say that this is a universal equation for success, or I won't be completed defeated by the next temper tantrum. But I feel a strong sense of success after handling this one the way I did :)
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Permalink Reply by Adrienne Calhoun Cash on
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I may have to try it! Those fits are so frustrating!
Mommy's Two Cents said:I can't honestly say that this is a universal equation for success, or I won't be completed defeated by the next temper tantrum. But I feel a strong sense of success after handling this one the way I did :)
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Permalink Reply by Mommy's Two Cents on
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Agreed!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Delsie Parker on -
Yes it is possible to conquer a temper tantrum. With lots of time and patience,
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Permalink Reply by Mommy's Two Cents on
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That's promising! I got lots of time, just have to work on the patience part :)
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Permalink Reply by Angela Whitehead on -
Wow, good for you. My child may quit screaming but he never forgets what he wants. He spends hours trying to negotiate his way lol
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Permalink Reply by Mommy's Two Cents on
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I expect that's to come once my kid is older than three. You'll have to fill me in on how you can out negotiate him!
Angela Whitehead said:Wow, good for you. My child may quit screaming but he never forgets what he wants. He spends hours trying to negotiate his way lol
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Permalink Reply by Sarah Unsicker on
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Good for you! I have yet to master the "no emotion" part; I need a weekly reminder that any attention (even negative attention) can provide fuel for misbehavior. Usually with my 3 year old's tantrums I work to figure out what is causing them and focus my attention on that, I try to resolve that problem first. It often works, without me "giving in" to his demands. Now he's getting older, though, and is having more tantrums for-tantrum-sake to get a rise out of mommy. My old methods don't work as well anymore!
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Permalink Reply by Mommy's Two Cents on
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What if you can't "solve" the problem? Like the moment was fleeting and he was unable to press the button for the elevator? My son is turning 4 next month and although we are going through less of these tantrums, there are definitely ones where the only way to "solve" the problem is to "give in" to the demands. I'm not willing to do that, perhaps because I'm stubborn, but also because I'm just making it harder on myself in the long run. Plus, his little sister is witnessing this and needs to know that I have a no nonsense method.
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Permalink Reply by Sarah Unsicker on
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In your elevator example, there are a few things:
- I recognize that he's going to want to press the button before we get to the elevator. (That's something I can usually predict, because he likes to hit those buttons.)
- Usually I'll let him play with the buttons -- but watch him carefully to make sure he doesn't hit the emergency!
- If it's someone else's "turn" we will discuss it. If he has a problem with that I try to give him other attention -- before it gets to a tantrum.
- If there is a tantrum, I'll remove him from the situation, before it escalates to screaming, and help him calm down. (My 3 year old is not a self-soother, he is very unusual in that though.)
I work hard at not expecting him to preform above his level. Some skills come (or come much easier) with advanced maturity.That being said, I "pick my battles." I see pressing elevator buttons as fairly inconsequential most of the time, and not worth fighting over (unless we're in a rush). But he doesn't get to push all of the buttons, just the one we need (and maybe one other, if he does it before I get to him.)I generally don't let him scream and throw fits in public, because then he gets attention from it. (I'd rather he get attention from me than from crowds.) If he's just crying, I let him cry, as we're finishing our errand (or whatever it is).
Mommy's Two Cents said:What if you can't "solve" the problem? Like the moment was fleeting and he was unable to press the button for the elevator? My son is turning 4 next month and although we are going through less of these tantrums, there are definitely ones where the only way to "solve" the problem is to "give in" to the demands. I'm not willing to do that, perhaps because I'm stubborn, but also because I'm just making it harder on myself in the long run. Plus, his little sister is witnessing this and needs to know that I have a no nonsense method.
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