I know that it is very important to be consistent and that both parents are on the same page when it comes to disciplining children. I also know that doesn't always happen.
Where do you personally draw the line and "not sweat the small stuff?"
If the other parent doesn't discipline or acknowledge a certain situation with your child do you jump in or let it go?
What types of situations do you just let go and consider it to be not a big deal?
Curious to hear what everyone has to say!
I'm a single mom of 3, from 2 marriages. So not only is disciplining hard, I have to manage it for 3 households. My kids range from the ages of 17 - 7 and both genders, and my youngest is a high fuctioning autist. So there is no such things, its bc they are girls or boys. I can tell everyone that girls are just as hard.
But I am a parent that understand the importance of raising well balanced children that do not win at the game of divide and conquer. I make sure that when they have done something wrong, I call their dads. I even have a great alliance with my first husbands wife. When I place a punishment in my home, for something that has been discussed, the punishment gets carried out to the next home. And they (the fathers) carry it out. MY ex have excepted that I am the disciplinarian, as I am the one with the brunt of the child rearing. So they are very supportive. And when things sound too far fetched, my ex's will call me to confirm bc the story seems to be missing pieces. But I have had years in getting these relationships to this level.
There are things that I try not to sweat. I have to understand all their needs. Ranging from fears, tensions, attention, etc.... I dont sweat eating veggies. I have figured when they are ready to eat them, they will. Bed time is at a specific time. You dont want to go to sleep that is your problem, but you will be in bed by "x", and I will not deal with you in the morning. It's not a perfect science by any means but you learn to work with it. And one thing to keep in mind, there are things that you must always keep in mind, children all process things differently, but your message has to be
consistant. So if your house rule is "NO TALKING BACK", I dont care if you are 25 or 2, that message is consistant, along with the punishement.
Mom uses time-outs when the kids’ behaviors aren’t appropriate. Dad is amused by his kids’ antics and wants to “let kids be kids”. How do these parents compromise? How does it affect their kids if they don’t?
Inconsistent parenting is a challenge in most families. One parent is stricter; one parent is more lenient. Initially, kids can find this confusing: they will try to push the envelope with both parents, and they will react with surprise and bewilderment (and sometimes anger) when they experience redirection (only when in the presence of the stricter parent). However, kids learn quickly. It isn’t long before kids know to tow the line when in line of sight of the strict parent and push the envelope when in earshot of the lenient parent. Lenient parents will then observe that the kids behave differently around the stricter parent. When the envelope gets pushed too far, you will hear, “Just wait ’til your mom (or dad) gets home!” from the lenient parent, who has by now established that the strict parent is the one who handles the bulk of the discipline. On the flip side, the strict parent may come to observe that the kids behave in a more happy-go-lucky way around the more lenient parent. This can cause the strict parent to feel like the less favored parent . . . or, more difficult still, it may cause the strict parent to feel like the only parent. This can cause conflict between the parents.
Compromise is the ideal resolution to this issue. In a calm, non-judgmental way, parents should discuss discipline in a quiet moment when the kids are not around (i.e., after bedtime). The discussion should include why each spouse advocates the discipline style s/he uses (which likely springs from his/her own childhood), the advantages and disadvantages in each style, and how the parents can capture the advantages of each style while minimizing the disadvantages. Ideally, parents can find a mid-ground that is acceptable to both partners. For example, the stricter parent may agree to accept somewhat messy rooms and slightly goofy clothing (and other smaller imperfections) without redirecting the kids, whereas the more lenient parent may agree to redirect the kids when the failure to redirect could reasonably be interpreted by the kids as encouraging socially unacceptable behaviors.
Alternately, perhaps one parent will agree to capitulate to the will of the other parent and to reinforce the other parent’s positions in the presence of the kids.
If neither compromise nor capitulation is reached, the parents will continue to disagree on discipline. How the kids will ultimately handle the mixed signals that they receive from their parents will depend in large part on the personalities of the kids. Some ...http://blog.care4hire.com/disagree/433
Try prevention. Keep your children busy with constructive activities. Have a routine, give them jobs, pay them if you can. If money is tight, have them earn what you are already spending on -- clothes, activities, etc. Kids love to work. My husband worked long hours, but his routine was to read to the kids every night and put them to bed. They rushed to get their chores done and get ready for bed because they wanted that special 1/2 hour with Dad.
Keep this thread going. Try some suggestions and get back to us
I think there is a tremendous range on this issue - tightly bound to the particular family's cultural values. And if you have a difference in values between the parents, you're headed for some challenges around varying approaches to discipline.
I believe it's critical for the parents to take any disagreement regarding discipline offline - and try to find a compromise. Otherwise, there's no way they can present a united front, and a consistent application of rules (or "guidelines") to the children.
All this said, I think in this country we discipline over foolish things all too often, implementing a "do as I say, not as I do" model of parenting. For example - how do we preach against ill treatment of friends or disrespect, no tolerance for drugs and alcohol, and then demonstrate exactly that in front of our children?
They see, they absorb, they learn from what we do - not what we say. And we had better watch closely - to see how they are interpreting the conflicting messages - at least in part to correct ourselves, so we can be better (more exemplary) parents.
Creativeness in Disciplining is easy when you have the right tools. Teaching our children that there are many ways in solving behavior issues or just helping them make better choices in life. Here's what I've been using and we have lots of fun with these as well as learning about consequences.
I support that both parents must be consistent. Personally I want my husband to act like I want, but that's a mistake because sometimes he wants to correct Hector and I do not like the way he does it. I need to learn to support my husband.